Poor Pamela is in a bit of a pickle. Will she escape? What will the nasty wizard do if he catches her? And, more importantly, do we care?

Probably not. (Yawn.)

Who is this Pamela anyway? Just some girl in a sweater running fast. If the evil wizard snatches Pamela and turns her into …er, Pamcakes then so what?

We don’t care because the writer has failed the fundamental task of character building.

In a few short paragraphs, it’s possible to bring a character to life so intensely that the reader not only cares what happens to her, but is filled with a sense of urgency on her behalf.

How do we achieve this?

Real people like you and me don’t perform actions in a vacuum. Our senses are flooded with information every second - we see, we feel, we hear, we smell and we taste. This is what makes us feel alive.

Enliven the viewpoint character by entering their sensory world.

Now the reader has an up-close-and-personal sense of Pamela’s experience. But this is still not enough.

What is going through Pamela’s mind? Probably not Grandma’s recipe for lentil soup.

To feel really connected, we need to hear her thoughts.

Now the reader has become Pamela.

The reader is running through the dungeon on trembling legs. Suddenly the reader has a stake in the outcome.

It will be much harder for the reader to leave the story before Pamela is safe again.

Imagine how much more power we could invoke if the entire scene was filtered through Pamela’s eyes.

What is the setting here? A dungeon with a glimmer of light at one end. It’s not much to work with but let’s see what we can do.

Don’t forget, the aim is to describe the setting as the character experiences it.

Now the reader is positioned behind Pamela’s eyes. That cranks up the reader-character bond another notch.

And it not only paints a more vivid picture of the dungeon BUT it raises the stakes. The reader now has a chilling insight into Pamela’s cruel fate.

When we filter a scene bit by bit through the character’s experience, the action slows right down. This heightens the tension.

Since the scene is now written through Pamela’s point of view, the last line doesn’t work any more.

Here the reader has to leap out of Pamela’s head to look ‘outside’ at the wizard pulling her sweater. It’s not something she could see from behind. So, how would Pamela experience this moment?

At this point, we should give the wizard a stronger presence by naming him. We need an evil name - something that twists the mouth sideways and sounds vaguely menacing. Let’s call him Eekial.

Oh, and let’s give the main character a more suitable name while we’re at it. ‘Pamela’ is a tad old-fashioned with a hint of mediocre. Since she’s our main character, it’s important that we use every tool at our disposal to encourage our readers to care about her. We need a name that has a warm, affectionate feel – something distinctive but not too common, like… Molly.

The first draft of this scene is nearly complete. First draft? Yes, because now we have to weed out the clichés, strengthen the weaker words and search for fresh images that will give the piece a distinctive ‘voice’.

There are a number of clichés and weak phrases in our piece that need attention. Let’s deal with one.

This has a familiar ring, both in drumming and in ‘echoed in her ears.’ Clichés tend to dull the reader’s mind and deaden their response to your character.

Perhaps Eekial’s boots could hammer instead of drum. Or, for a more emphatic rhythm, simply thud, thud, thud…

And instead of the boots echoing in Molly’s ears, perhaps she could feel as if they are thudding right inside her skull?

Here’s the newly constructed scene.

In dramatic scenes, writers aim for racing pulses, bulging eyeballs, trembling organs.

And that’s just in the readers.

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© Jill McDougall 2007      http://www.jillmcdougall.com.au

Jill is the author of over a hundred books for children. Visit her website to find more writing tips.

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